sinfully right

"Sometimes life takes hold of one, carrier the body along, accomplishes one's history, and yet is not real, but leaves oneself as it were slurred over." - D.H. Lawrence


Your life flashed before your eyes and you were minutes from passing out. Envy, confusion, self-mutilation and hatred all began to brew in the heart; emotions you never wanted to own. Spitting out of angst, you wondered if sitting in that strategically planned room, talking to a strategically dressed person would help. That particular day, I will, by no means, ever forget. I shan't, anyway.

And I still hear whispers of the incident.

Having told a friend recently, I thought I could be cynical all over again and laugh it off. I did. But, more than that, the vicious odour maliciously slapped me in the face. Anyone who entered that building could swim in the stench of latex, disinfectants and plastic. After months of travelling from hospital to hospital, doctor to doctor, waiting room to waiting room, it was official. I was going to be fixed. And yes, I am fixed.

I now attempt to rummage through those emotions and thoughts. I even try to delve into that mind. Yet, I cannot understand except for Him and my gloating, pompous flaw.

And so, I write to promise secrecy; speaking words of faith and trust - as if this would stop me from deviation. Yet, the ever-lingering fuel dies off too soon. Deviation - it is simpler than I thought it should be.

Faith and trust would be nothing more than a mocking emptiness within me ... without You. Early Sunday mornings - I want them back!